Percival's Secret Thief Catchers Guild Ball

Tam Smith sat back in his guild master's chair, in the Guild Master's office, in the Thief Catchers Guild Hall and looked at the snow blowing hard outside his window.

Across the desk from him sat the Assistant Guild Master. The two were talking politics, weather and the round fullness of the backsides of women. There was a knock at the door.

"Come."

The door opened and in walked one of the Thief Catchers Guild journeyman. His heavy cloak steamed from the melting snow.

"Dahvees. What's the word?"

"Fucking cold, Guild Master. Nothing more."

"Quiet then?"

"Yeah. Nothing's moving and it looks as though they've all gone into the Phoenix."

"And no sign of any... visitors?"

"None."

"Okay. We'll get after again tomorrow. I wanna know where Aluna is holding court with those bastards."

"Absolutely Guild Master."

"Tam. Do you think that perhaps she's not as active as we thought she was... I mean... as running the whole thing?" The Assistant Guild Master asked.

"Who knows? You'd think if she was actually running it, we'd have more news than what we have had. The 'eyes-and-ears' aren't reporting much about it all. And they've been camped out at the Golden Phoenix since appearing."

"I just wanna catch ahold of one of them Bowlers."

"I understand Dahveed, but make damn sure you keep an eye out. We'll get 'em, but I don't want one man hurt by them. I'm thinking of another way to get at them."

"Another way, Tam?"

"Yeah. You know I've been..." Tam indicated for Dahveed to close the door. "... looking to get NAME a position in the law courts."

The Assistant Guild Master nodded, but Dahveed's eyes grew wide with this new information.

"So I've been speaking with them regarding a different way to get back at that whole organization."

"How?"

"Going after them in Court."

"But we do that now... when we have contract to go after them."

"That's in the Criminal Court. I'm talking about the forum civile deferatur."

Dahveed looked puzzled, but the Assistant Guild Master asked, "The Civil Court?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"By suing them for the costs they incur the 'people of the Free City of Greater Greyhawk'."

"Okay..." The Assistant Guild Master looked puzzled.

Tam asked, "How much money is spent by the residents of the city to avoid having all of their shit stolen? How much do the merchants pay? How much money does it cost our most beloved government to maintain a watch? Hmm..? Any idea?"

"None."

"Me neither. And my guess is, no one else does either. So they wouldn't be able to contradict my numbers."

"I'm sorry Tam. I still don't follow you."

"We file a civil suit for reimbursement of these costs, in the name of the City of Greyhawk. If they don't show up, then we win automatically. If they do, then we get all kinds of information about holdings they have. Safe houses. Property. We also find out who is in league with the fuck-os."

"Wow. And you think it'll work?"

"I do. I'm lining up a bench full of attorney's to work on it for us."

Dahveed said quietly, "Genius."

The Assistant Guild Master turned in his chair to scowl at Journeyman. "Easy Dah. You can't blow him. He only likes woman."

Tam chuckled. "Well anyway. It's still in the preliminary stages, but that's what I envision. It'll become a LOT clearer if we can confirm the fucking mayor actually died in the Harby fire and Olaf gets the slot."

"Do you think he did?"

"No idea."

"That seems to be a theme around here."

There was a knock on the door. "Come."

"Pardon me Guild Master but there's someone here to see you."

"Someone. Here? Now?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Who is it?"

"An old man. Calls himself, Percival Theodore the first bard of Poducca. Whatever that means."

Tam rose from his seat while looking at Dahveed. "No one leaving the Phoenix, eh?"

Dahveed shrugged apologetically.

Tam told the guild member at the door, "Put a kettle on after you tell him that I'm on my way."

"Yes Sir."

"Dahveed. Nothing spoken with the door closed leaves this room. Right?"

"Always, Guild Master."

"Let's go see what the Grand Raconteur has to say and what would bring his old, cold bones out on an evening such as this."

Tam, the Assistant Guild Master and Dahveed went to the foyer and met Percival as he stood by the fire warming himself. Also in the room were six fellows who could only be described as men-at-arms. Percival and Tam introduced themselves and those of their ontorages. Soon Percival found himself in the Guild Master's office with the Assistant Guild Master and Halil, of Percival's group. The old fellow had them all at ease and laughing in no time.

"So tell me Lord Percival..."

"Please. Just Percival. I've been roughian, patsy-to-a-king, wagon master, whore-bait, kitchen scoundrel, an Earl as well as an ersatz Duke. Of all of those, I think whore-bait was my favorite."

They laughed again, "Fine. Percival Whore-bait. Tell me what's brought you out-and-about on a cold night like this."

"I need to ask you for a favor, Guild Master Tam Smith, son-by-marriage of Olaf Smith currently a select member of the Directors of the Free City of Greyhawk."

"Of course. Ich Dien, your Grace... ahem, I mean ersatz-Grace."

Percival smiled and exaggerated a bow from his seat. "I have in my possession a bit of luggage which is near and dear to my heart. I've no safe place to store it, so I thought I might see if you have such facilities to assist me."

"Luggage?"

"A chest."

"Containing?"

"Coins, precious stones and a book."

"How much? Er, I mean, how big is the chest."

Percival turned to Halil and nodded. The big man turned on his heal, opened the door and left the office.

"That is one big son-of-a-bitch." Tam looked after the fellow who'd left the room. What he wouldn't give for a few men that size.

"Oh. You've met Halil's mother, have you?" Percival quipped and they all laughed again, and in a short order, Halil returned escorting two of the others from Percivals group, who were laboring to bring in the chest.

Tam's eyes got big, as the two others set the chest down and left the room. Halil closed the door behind them.

"Speaking of son-of-a-bitches..." The Guild Master was actually impressed.

"I sold a bit of property and I'd like to secrete this here, if at all possible. Of course I'm willing to pay for the security as well."

"How much is in there?"

"I don't know. I never counted it."

"What?"

Percival shrugged, "Never really had any reason or need to." As they all sat around looking at the banged up piece of interwoven and laced wood, leather and metal, Percival finally said, "Guess I should open it up and see if the Duke fucked me over."

"Duke?" Tam asked. "I mean no disrespect Percival, but this isn't stolen goods now is it?"

Percival barked a laugh, "Well. In a way I did steal it because I made the property that the Duchess want so crazy expensive that they paid a king's ransom for it, but not stolen, I believe in the manner which may concern you most."

"Ah... good. We should all be so lucky as to find a Duke willing to pay such a price to keep his wife content."

"I never had to worry about that what with my songs, stories and... ehm... equipment."

"You mean your lute?" The Assistant Guild Master chimed in, eliciting a laugh.

Eventually Percival removed from deep in his cloak a key and handed it to Halil. "Go ahead Halil. Open 'er up." The big man took the double-ended key. Percival looked at Tam and told the Guild Master who was watching the locks being worked, "You see. One end works one lock. The other end, works the other. Get them backwards, and bolts shoot from it, right at the level of the lock."

Tam raised his eyebrows in appreciation. The chest made an audible 'click' and the top sprang up four inches, revealing a second set of locks. "The key must be inverted so the end that worked the right-side, now works the left side and vice versa. Fail to do so and blast!"

"Nice." The Assistant Guild Master replied.

The locks were finally opened and the heavy lid was able to be lifted off. Inside of the box was bulky cloth bags stacked ontop of each other, there were mix-matched wooden boxes that contained both loose stones of every hue, but also those set in necklaces, rings and broaches. Even Percival was awed by the bounty.

"I don't think you got fucked, Percival."  Tam's words were a breathy stunned comment.

"I doesn't appear so," Percival agreed.

"You could buy a kingdom with this." The Assistant Guild Master added in awe.

A serious-faced Bard quietly replied, "Yeah. I just wonder how a Duke could get his hands on all of this wealth. And how many people have suffered to amass it."

"If he was into shipping, maybe it comes from the lands to the south, beyond the ocean."

"Or perhaps," Percival's brow was twisted in concern, "it derives from gifts provided by the Sword Rulers, from their distant lands, in order to buy peace. And a newly minted Duke didn't want it known he'd accepted the money from them." Percival trailed off as he wondered allowed.

The contents, at the insistence of both Tam and the Assistant Guild Master were tallied up and chronicalled. While Halil and the Assistant Guild Master counted everything out, minus a two of the bags of coins and a few dozen small diamonds removed by Percival, "for spells you understand" and detailing what remained.

"Carnal bribes, more like." Tam smirked at the old man.

In exaggerated indignance, Percival spoke as he finished his mug of the Guild Master's own ale, "Carnal bribes, sir? I beg your pardon. A flash of a smile and a well timed wink is all the bribery I've ever required, my fine fellow!" They all laughed. "Now. I don't even worry about it. It's just too damn much work." They laughed louder. "Don't get me wrong. I won't turn it away, if the source be well structured and pleasantly rounded. But I don't seek it out in the same as what was sought in the past." They laughed again.

Eventually amounts were tallied and agreed upon. And Percival tossed in a heavy, finely bound book covered in markings and what appeared to be runes. "What's that?" Tam asked.

"That Sir is my master spell book. I got my hands on it years ago, copied the most important spells into my traveling set, and put it away. Now that I am utterly homeless, I'll keep it in here. I've been recently copying a few very advanced spells whose details I have finally understood. It takes lots of practice. And thanks to the wonderful Greyhawk weather, I've been able to work on them late at night."

"I'd have thought that fine young lady you've been seen in the company of might be keeping you up at night?"

"What? Aluna?" Both of the Guild Master and Assistant looked up at Percival upon hearing the name well known to them both. Percival noticed their sudden shift to seriousness. "Oh. You must mean my grand-daughter."

"My apologies, Percival. I didn't mean to imply..."

"Nothing of the sort. She's a special young-lady and I'm trying to keep her interested in all I am doing. I have no true heir and I'm seeing if she might fit the bill."

The Assistant Guild Master quipped, "For that kind of money..." he indicated with his head the still opened chest, "feel free to adopt me."

Percival took out another bag of coins. "How about we say, five gold per moon and I'll pay up a year in advance?"

"Honestly Percival it's no big deal..."

"Nonsense. You are doing me a vast favor. Here..." He handed and the Assistant Guild Master the coins. "Now. One finally thing. Only release this chest to the one who will have the key and a story of my demise."

Both Thief Catchers nodded. "If any of my men-at-arms were to arrive with the key, do not release it. They have thier own treasure set aside and they would never do it anyway. It would be a great insult to their families and themselves. If Halil for instance were to come to you looking for the chest, something is terribly wrong. Take precautions as he would only do so under a spell or mind control."

"I wouldn't doubt that person Artie can do that sort of thing."

"Who?"

"Artie. The one who uses his mind to cast magic.  I don't trust that... freak."

"Oh. You mean Durant."

It was the Guild Masters turn, "Durant?"

"Yes. According to Durant, Artie is gone for good now.  I'm trying to coach Durant regarding some life changes."

"Oh." The Guild Master looked over to the Assistant knowingly who mirrored the Guild Master's expression. "And what of Aluna?"

"She's delightful, isn't she?"  Tam said in a genuine smitten voice.

"Oh yes," the Guild Master said with a scowl, "simply de-light-ful." The sarcasm dripped heavy from his words. "I'll make sure she and her kind don't get access to it, as well."

"Nonsense." Percival now looked seriously at Tam. "I didn't say so. She may be one who may come back with the key. If she has it, then I'm surely dead and she may do with it what she may."

"What? You're going to give away this fortune to... Aluna? Aluna. Daughter of Bart. Daughter of the Despotix of Harby. The de facto heir-apparent Guild Master of the Thieves Guild in Greyhawk. She will have permission to take your stuff after you're dead?"

"Yes.  The one-and-the-same."

Tam held out his hand, "It was nice knowing you, M'Lord."

Percival looked at Tam with an expression of 'look at yourself'... "She's a lovely woman. I think the world of her. If she'd have me, I'd serve her like slave." Tam started to laugh, but then saw Percival was in earnest.

"Percival. She'd steal the food off of your fork. You know that, right?"

"Not any more."

"No?"

"No. She's resigned her office and is going to start traveling with me."

"Really? Resigned her office, you say."

"I do."

"So... no more visits from the myriad of little cliques visiting her at all hours?"

"None."

"No more clandestine rendezvous meetings with street thugs dressed like bees and wearing fucked-up looking hats?"

"She says she's done with that life."

"Ahuh. Right." Tam made a noise of derision. "Sorry M'Lord. I really hope it's true, but in my experience, once a thief..."

"Always a thief, Guild Master?" Percival supplied. "People cannot change? Is that your point? I chose to think that people CAN change provided the correct kind of environment."

"With all due respect, M'Lord, I will believe it when I see it."

"And what will it take to convince you?"

"How about you shitting out one more of those chests?" He smiled at Percival.

"What if I told you I had four more, just as heavy, hidden in other areas of Skell?"

It was Tam's turn to gaup. "Really?"

"Really. And that's no bard's tale, either."

A smile broke across Tam's face, "Now I know I want you to adopt me!" Everyone laughed.

"I mean about Aluna? To prove she's changed?"

"Hmm... that's a good question. She could start by telling me the location of the meeting place."

"You know if she were to do that, she'd be marked for... ummm... removal. I would be very put out if my wonderful darling muse were harmed by anyone. It wouldn't be good for their... ummm... life span."

"Understood. I don't know. I'll try and keep an open mind. But I don't get burned twice. You know she broke into this place?" Percival raised his eyebrows. "Yup. But she did keep the Fem Fatales from executing me when they came after me. How was I supposed to know it was her mother's group? That's why I think she's a good person in impossible positions."

"I'd like to put her in..." Tam started to laugh at Percival's joke. "Oh never mind. She'd probably kill me."

Tam laughed, "Yeah. But what a way to go." They both laughed at that remark.

As the gathering broke up and Percival had directed the two who'd brought the case in to take it and follow the Assistant Guild Master to set it in place, Tam and Percival were alone. Tam spoke, "I want to believe what you're saying about Aluna. Believe it or not," he leaned in close and provided in a conspiratorial whisper, "I like her too."

Percival's eyebrows went up. Tam quickly said louder, "Not like that. I mean I think she's a good person. But she hangs around with shit heads."

"That so-called Ranger pup? He isn't very smart."

"Who Lucien? Oh. He's okay. But I think he's in love with her or something. She doesn't take a shit without her near by to smell it for her. Hell. I was gonna apprentice him here. But he declined to accept my offer."

"Which tells me even more there's something wrong with that boy. I honestly hope, when the snows end and the rains come, that he doesn't drown when looking up to see who it is that's tapping him on the head."

The Guild Master laughed. They'd finished their walk down the hallway and were in with the six members of Percival's group, the Assistant Guild Master, Dahveed and the on-duty Thief Catcher.

"Tell me Percival. You've never been here, to the guild hall, I mean... how'd you find us?"

"Oh. That was easy." He inclined his head to Dahveed. "Your fellow there showed us the way."

"Oh did he now?" Tam slowly turned to face Dahveed who'd gone white as the snow outside.

"I didn't lead anyone..." Dahveed began to stammer.

Percival explained, "No. He didn't. Not on purpose anyway. My fellows here are always on the look out for potential trouble. They blend in the background. Keep out of sight unless needed. They spotted your group watching the inn. No doubt to catch Aluna or any of her former group causing problems. Surely not to spy on an old man."

"Of course not, M'Lord."

"Ahuh. Anyway, he left a nice trail in the snow directly here. And my fellows are very good at tracking. Especially in such clear marks."

"Thank you for the... review of the quality of my men."  Tam turned to stare daggers at Dahveed.

Percival chuckled. "My pleasure." He bowed formally to Tam, "I am going to be taking my leave Guild Master Tam Smith. It has been a pleasure doing business with you and yours. It is a great comfort to me to know that you're doing Lugh's work here in the Free City. I wish you health, love and a long life... to you and all of the Thief Catchers."

Tam shook the old man's hand and personally closed the door as Percival's Caterpiller song faded into the blowing wind. He turned to look at Dahveed. "Guess we need to work on some in-service regarding tracking."

"Tam... er, I mean Guild Master. That's nonsense." Dahveed told Tam indignantly.

"Nonsense, is it?"

"Yes. I can tell you why. Before I left, that Bard had just tuned up his lute and was in full song. Even if he was prepared to follow right behind me, he'd never have seen my tracks. The snow isn't that deep where I walked and in a few moments my tracks were covered. But he wasn't ready to leave. I'd been here a good while before he even arrived. I don't know how he found this place, but it wasn't from following me. Especially carrying that heavy-assed chest. Did you notice? They didn't have any horses or mules either.  I'm slow in this weather, but I gotta be faster than that old man."

"Old man?  Respect, Journeyman."

"I'm sorry Guild Master.  I just mean..."

Tam looked away thoughtfully pondering Dahveed's words, "Hmm... now that is interesting."